Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Many Promiscuous People are Afraid of Real Intimacy

A few days ago I had an interesting conversation with a person (who I respect and will go nameless of course) that really brought out of me and hit on what goes on with people who won't commit and are promiscuous or otherwise.

Here's my modified response

"Well, I sympathize with you but I do have an issue with open relationships as it makes me wonder what's going on with your relationship that you or him don't wish to commit? What does that say about how important your mate is to you, if you won't commit? I find alot of people who don't commit, especially promiscuous ones, actually would like a committed relationship but they suffer from some mental link that stops it from happening as they run from signs of commitment, having a fear of real intimacy (not sex, I mean emotional/spiritual intimacy) or link pain to relationships such as fear of rejection and this leads to behaviors such as "getting out before they can be rejected" or "rejecting first" or "not letting someone get close enough to reject you" when the reality of the matter is, while rejections can occur, much of the time if they just let themselves be open to getting close and having a committed relationship, it would happen eventually and they would be most happy. Unfortunately however, I have met and known alot of people, especially gay men, who never have that happen because their promiscuous, self destructive behavior prevents it, including an old gay man I met recently, and as this behavior goes on, and they age, they more and more don't see commitment and love happening and they start losing hope and eventually give up and self-destruct out of despair. It's tragic, considering they met alot of men/women who would have been wonderful, loyal life partners if they hadn't fallen into their routine of flirt, sex, then reject. And worse they damage those partners they reject, if they simply talked, hugged and allowed the potential for true intimacy and a real relationship to happen it would have without someone eventually - God willing. So from a perspective as Christian and a gay man I have problems with open relationships (I have far less problem with a committed group such as many Old Testament men did, tho this is not God's true intent for us I think), and as a gay man it's worse than with straight folk as when gay men are so fearful of and hung up about being rejected, they choose to be closeted, which makes meeting other gay men, restricted to hidden, dark, desperate places and attempts where the chances of a true relationship are slim. This happens with heterosexuals as well but usually not to the same degree. If they were in the open, honest and believe that what they are doing is right, then by being open in normal circumstances and everywhere and not allowing themselves be imprisoned by fear of rejection, they improve their odds of meaning people and under normal social conditions where a real conversation and relationship develops instead of a sexual fling. So please understand, I do not hate the person who behaves in such fearful and promiscuous ways but I do have to stand up against that behavior and condemn it as it's destructive to all of us. People get hurt by someone who is promiscuous and rejects his/her partners emotionally/spiritually and this tends to make those hurt turn to the same behavior out of their newfound pain and fear of more rejections and in a vicious cycle goes on thats hurt other people and converts more who don't know a better way to these harmful behaviors.

The best way to find and KEEP Mr. or Mrs. Right is to be open, loving and considerate, not desperate, fearful and furtive.

Now, in my case I'm completely open and what others think doesn't bother me, as just like how people may criticize a Christian, a Christian should consider the criticism but not be bothered by it if he knows what he is doing is righteous and continuous examination confirms that. Similarly I have utter confidence and faith in God and under continuous examination of if I am doing love and serving God I can live my conservative Gay lifestyle with confidence in His righteousness and the righteousness of living for Him. As in Romans 14 and Romans 15, various Christians may believe strongly that some things are wrong and some are right, so long as we are living for Him and doing love, we need not fear. We must be right in our own conscience and live openly and for Him. But if our conscience is in doubt we must clarify it, for doing something you feel is wrong is wrong as the intent was no longer pure and honoring God. But we should be humble enough to be open to new information and correcting ourselves and being corrected if it becomes clear that one has gone or believed wrong. Love is constantly considerate and that means reevaluating with faith and love when new information challenges us.